April 6, 2011

Pity Party of One. No Invitation Needed.

Lately, on Wednesdays, I have been blogging about a recipe I cook from one of my cookbooks.

I just couldn't cook anything for this week's Cookbook Challenge.

I have been in one of those moods lately.

You see, I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of my brother's passing and it seems that these last two months, as the date approaches, have been harder than others.

Of all the years in my life, no year has flown by as fast as this year has.

I have not slept through the night since his passing. I am so in need of sleep that last night, I finally broke down and took two Tylenol PMs and they didn't help.

I keep dreaming of coffins and funerals.

And, I am angry. I wake up angry and I don't like this.

My brother took his life and there are so many unanswered questions; questions that will never be answered.

I am angry with many people regarding my brother's passing. I remember every cruel thing people said and they are outweighing all of the good things said.

As a Single Nester, I feel alone.

It has to stop.

Life is for the living and I must enjoy this one.image


Janet Ellis said...

Carmie, I am so sorry to read that you are feeling badly, and I can really say that I know how you feel. My sister's would be 50th birthday is coming up on Saturday. She passed from a massive heart attack at 37. That was 12 years ago, and lately it has felt so fresh. I am a far cry from where I was 12 years ago, but I still cry when I think of her. Be gentle with yourself, it is still so new and while things will get better, there will always be questions. Grief, I think comes in waves. And the saying "time heals all wounds," It's crap :-) It feels more like a wound that scabs over and every now and then is yanked off and stings like heck. So we go about loving ourselves better. I don't know exactly how things work "on the other side," but I believe our loved ones never completely leave us. They are a part of us forever and when they are physically gone, we are challenged to listen more closely. Bless you my dear, this week, and always...Janet btw (you're doing much better on the posting than me...and I look for you every day :-)

Amanda said...

Oh poppet, I'm so sorry your having a difficult time of it. It's always a difficult time when you approach the anniversary of a loved one's passing, but this to passes. It's been 10 years since my father died, and although I still miss him like crazy, I was a proper daddies girl, it no longer hurts as much as it did. I still get mad at him for going and missing things like his grandsons being born, but these occur less often and aren't always so painful.

What I'm trying to say in a very slapdash way, is don't be so hard on yourself, you need time to heal, we don't suddenly revert back to normal once the funeral is over, in a way our roll in their passing only begins then. Be easy on yourself, there's many stages to grief, I'm still learning them, it get's easier, gradually you'll sleep better, they won't be on your mind so much, you will stop ringing their phone just to hear their voice, you'll be able to hear a song without bursting into tears the second it comes on, you'll stop getting the pity looks, things move on, you won't forget but it does it 'easier'.

Sending hugs your way x

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

I'm so sorry you're in pain Carmie. I can only say, my thoughts are with you and I wish you peace. Take care of yourself:@)

Monica said...

You're in my prayers Carmie.

Angie said...

Carmie, it is incredible that it has been a year since the passing of yoru brother. I remember you writing about it like it was yesterday. While I have never been through an experience like that, I can only offer one piece of advise: take one day at a time. I do think the anger will eventually subside a bit but the questions will always be there. I am praying for you and your family, especially your sweet dad, sis-in-law and your nieces. This must be a horrible time for them. Hang in there girlie.

Linen & Verbena

Lisalulu said...

I'm so sorry and my thoughts are always with you and his cute 'girly' family. Nothing I can say can ease your pain, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Blondie's Journal said...

I am so sorry you are going through this, Carmie, I know it is a difficult time but you are never alone. I have had 7 close family members pass in the last 10 years. It never gets easy and nights are the hardest. I will be thinking of you.


My Petticoat is Showing said...

You touched my heart with your sadness. I think God blesses his tortured children with special mercy, because they need it so much more. I think he blesses their loved ones with peace when they are still and know he is taking care of our loved ones especially. Its ok. If he gives us tomorrow he has a plan. He loves us. You are loved.

michelle said...

Hello my friend. I can't imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry that you have to go through it. The only advice I can give you is surround yourself with positivity and the people that truly love you as best you can, you don't need any negativity right now. Take one step at a time and do things when you are ready. I pray that each step gets a bit easier as you make your way through this first anniversary. You are in my heart and my thoughts my friend.

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