May 20, 2010

Divine Intervention

I have been working my way through the stages of grief. I am now in the anger phase. I am feeling a lot of hatred towards certain people who picked up hammers to put nails in my brother's coffin, if you know what I mean.

I have the names of the individuals who were so cruel to my brother that it led him to take his life. I love the Blog World but before and even after his death, the Blog World was not nice to my brother.

I am even angry at some family members.

I cannot let all the good work my brother did throughout his life, expressed to me by the thousands that came to his wake and funeral, be forgotten by the select few A$$holes who treated him so poorly.

Hate and anger are a perfectly acceptable stage to be in. I won't dwell in this phase for long, I am sure. But I will experience it and work my way through it, no matter how long it takes and no matter who tells me that anger is not good.

I am feeling I need to exact some revenge or tell people how I feel. Some who even had the balls to attend the wake and funeral and "comfort" my father and my family.

What f'n jerks. Who treats someone like crap and then attend their funeral? You know who? People who are filled with GUILT!

One of my brother's friends told me the other day to not stand too close to these people because when lightening strikes them, you don't want to be too close.

Feeling all of this, I decided it was time for some divine intervention. So I visited a priest today.

He was wonderful! I started out sobbing like crazy. It felt really good to sob. Boy did it ever since I have tried to be strong in front of my family. Out it came. By the end of the meeting, I felt better.

For the moment. Later? Who knows. I can only take it one day, one moment at a time.
"If possible, on your part, live at peace with all.
Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath;
for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'
Rather, if your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink;
for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.
Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.
Romans 12:18-21


Tracey said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother! Anger is certainly a normal husband went thru it last Aug when his father passed away...

May you find healing in the months to come and hold close the wonderful memories of your brother.

Blessings ~


Jen said...

I pray that God sends comfort during this difficult time for you and your family. Your brother won't be remembered for anything less. <3

Nancy Jacobs Basketmaster said...

This is a really tough time for you. It would be for anyone having gone through this. Just wanted you to know I'm lifting you up in prayer.

Heather said...

YOu've got to go through that anger. Work it out, question it, rant to us here. If we can take it, we'll keep reading, if not, we'll be back later. You can't avoid any of the steps of grieving, they are so important and natural.

Take care, I continue to send postive vibes your way.

Pegy said...

You and your family are in my prayers...

Bec said...

During my first teaching job, one of my students committed suicide partially due to the reason she was treated by others in the school. I about threw up when I heard some of the comments that those same students said after the fact and how many of them used her death to get out of going to school because they were too upset. People suck. BIG TIME. We just have to try to be better than them. And make sure we don't act the same way.

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry to hear that others have added to the abundance of your stress and grief. Your brother will be remembered by those that love him and that will NEVER change....death does not change our love for a person.....

Keep feeling what you feel, cry, scream, sob....whatever it takes to keep feeling. Talk to whomever you can. I'm glad you experienced a good talk today.

You have my direct email from yesterdays post. I would be happy to be a listening ear...anytime.

When I experienced terrible of the hardest parts of it was "how a few others" treated my then deceased spouse. I sought counseling and learned that my grief feelings were normal. My true struggle was that someone I loved hurt my spouse and that couldn't be taken back.

Through talking to a "complete stranger" I began to heal....and in time forgive and restore.

Are you reading anything at this time? ...or are you a reader? There are some amazing books on grief and suicide.

Don't give up hope. Hope is what you have to cling to now.

I'll keep praying.


Jen @ said...

I am so so sorry Carmie. I have been thinking and praying for you and your family. I hope you start to feel some peace.


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