February 23, 2010

One Person Pity Party

Yesterday I was feeling, well, emotional.
I went for a walk in the cold sunshine.

I brought some tissues with me in case I broke down while taking my strides. I didn't need the tissues that is, until I arrived home.
I am a very passionate person. However, passion is missing from what should be the two most important parts of my life; Vocation and love.
For over 2 decades, I have been trying to figure out what I should be when I grow up. The problem is, I am grown up and I have not found that vocation that makes me bounce out of bed in the morning, excited to start my day.
I pray and meditate and wait for answers but they don't seem to be coming. Or, maybe I am just deaf.
Now, love.
I thought I would be married with school-age kids by now but that has not happened. At one time, I wanted children and even though my eggs have not dried up yet, I don't see that happening unless my future mate has children of his own. In this case, I will love them as if they were mine.
Quite honestly, I really just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But, I am not so on to Plan B. But, what the heck is Plan B?
Sometimes, I feel like these ducks I photographed over the weekend on a river near me. All calm on the top of the water but a mess underneath, peddling like heck just to stay afloat.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.' " - Erma Bombeck


Adrianna said...

Pity party for two girl. I am a stay at home mom who still doesn't know what I want be "when I grow up." And might I add, I'm bored out my freakin mind! I have brownies in hand...always works for me :o)

frillsfluffandtrucks said...

I'm sorry. :( It is hard when your goals and aspirations depend on others--and I don't mean that in any sort of "looking down on you" sort of way. It just really, really stinks.


~ Sarah

frillsfluffandtrucks said...

Oh and I thought of something else. One of my aunts was a very successful corporate banker--but what she really wanted/wants is a husband and children. Because that part of her life wasn't really working out, she ended up leaving her well-paying banking job and returning to college to get a masters degree in education. She now is a wonderful first grade teacher with many children in her life. Not the same as having her own, but I know she LOVES "her" children and doesn't regret her career change at all...even if the pay stinks!

~ Sarah

Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality said...

Hi, Carmie, nice to meet you! And welcome to blogging, there are so many new bloggers out there, so jump on it.

And, guess what? I met my hubby online and we got married almost 5 years ago. Trust God to find someone for you & don't rush things, that's my advice for you!

Pine Tree Home said...

You are probably sick of hearing this, but it really comes down to believing that God has plans for you. Don't rush them. I thought I was going to be some big career woman traveling the world. Turns out I met my husband and got married before I even graduated college. No kids. I thought I would have 3 or 4. I just go with it and am happy for each day. That's all you can do :)

NICOLE said...

I am 30, divorce with no kids and in a job thats just barely supporting myself. And I had to move back in with my father. I feel like I am going nowhere in my relationships (bc I cant seem to find the right guy.) But I do have a glimmer of hope in the future. I hape to save enough money to go back to school and figure life out. Please dont give up hope, bc when you are least expecting things they come. ♥

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